“In 2008, newly qualified, I wasn’t ready for a PhD. But after 11 months of ward work, I knew it wasn’t for me and I got my first research role 11 months later.
“People started telling me I should do a PhD. The little voice I liked to call Little Professor (or LittleProf for short), started getting to me. So in 2011, I secured funding to do an MRes, but clinical pressures prevented me taking it up. Little Prof told me I had other priorities, and she was right: I’d just got pregnant after 2 rounds of IVF. I agreed it was all for the best; becoming a mother had to be my priority. But Little Prof was bad at setting limits. Life was too short, there was too many things she wanted to do, and I wanted to be part of them.
“My family expanded again, with baby no 2 (what a gift). But Little Prof said, “if not now, then when?” PhD funding forms were downloaded, notes were made, but alas! No publications! No PPIE, no ‘collaborations’.
“Come 2019 and the world was in meltdown. “Ah ha”, said Little Prof, “now’s the time! “ I was interviewed for a funded PhD at the University of York. But alas, I was second choice. Little Prof was unperturbed. A second attempt for NIHR was conceived, but my project was a no-go; it didn’t fit.
“Little Prof persisted, seducing me with talk of stipends and whispering that if I just started, I’d do it. And she was right: in 2021, I started my PhD on a stipend. Never mind, said my colleagues, baked beans are cheap. I didn’t mind, I was excited to get started on a fertility project – close to my heart.
“But Little Prof wouldn’t let it go: ‘If you don’t go for an NIHR fellowship now, you’ll run out of time!“ she began. I told her to shut up, but she was too busy rebooting Aramis.
“Then passed 1 years’ worth of thinking in 3 months. Little Prof and I crammed ‘theory’ books in a day, immersed ourselves in methodologies, worked up arguments, defended choices and selected stances. At times, I didn’t see my children for days. I’d look in the mirror and wonder whether the recalibration was worth it.
“Little Prof and I learned to play the game. And success: an interview! Turns out I was ‘great’, just not quite great enough. But no time to dwell on that, I was already behind for the next round.
“Little Prof developed a sageness that only experience can bring. We grew weary. Was it worth it? she asked with tired eyes. What do they want? But she knew it was my last chance.
“We pressed submit. The months ticked by. We tried to forget.
“The email came unexpectedly early. I got it! This was it, finally. I have won the lottery. I am human of the year. I am worth it. People can see that. Little Prof will upgrade her baked beans! “Perhaps it’s a mistake”, Little Prof said. Well, I replied, let’s see, let’s just wait and see”.
About Rebecca Mottram
Rebecca is a Senior Research Nurse at LTHT and NIHR Doctoral fellow at the University of ĢtvƵ. She has a background in paediatric nursing and research. Rebecca leads the development of the UK registry of people with stored ovarian and testicular tissue (UKSTORE) and her Fellowship is looking at patient-centred reproductive survivorship care for young adult cancer survivors who have stored tissue. You can find out more about Rebecca’s work and how you can get involved on the . You can also contact Rebecca by email.